Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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