U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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