So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
