I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
