Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
