I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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