Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Randomize
