I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
