Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
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