I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
They are going to name an STD after you.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
