dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
