Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Woke up backwards on a recliner
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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