What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
