this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
