I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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