i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
