i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
