happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I'm really busy with my period
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