Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
