I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
