As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
