i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
