I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
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