mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i think i have two assholes
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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