Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
