nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
If I die, sorry about rent.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Just puked most of my soul out..
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
