i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
