So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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