Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
