guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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