You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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