I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
