This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
