Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
