he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize
