I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
