He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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