Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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