my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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