Moan for me like Helen Keller
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
