Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
God, I missed his penis.
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