Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
