Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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