After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
40s are totally the cure
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
