True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
