One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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