dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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