Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
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