You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
