Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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